(Sorry i probably didnt punctuate the way i was supposed to.)

                Time goes by so fast. I get up every morning and I basically forget everything I knew the day before. And I try to remember to take my pill. Go to school. Go to work. And go to bed. And talk to Malcolm sometime in between. But sometimes life should be more than waking up and going back to bed. So I think its good that every now and again that you do something that slows time down. Something. That takes your mind off of everything that bothers you. Your passion. Not passion like sex passion. But having a feeling for something that is seriously fulfilling and productive. Something that no one else in the history of the world has done. Putting something in the universe that wasn’t there before. I definitely see it as a necessity in the way things are. And maybe if kids had an opportunity to learn what their gifts were at a young age than the next generation wouldn’t be as crappy as it is now. But its up to us to give our kids the space and time to find those thinks and not act as you know all the commie parents do and push them over the edge. To give our kids the hope and encouragement that we might not have had growing up. Look I sound like im 47. but still. To feel for something and not have to be told how to do it. Seriously your passion and your dedication to it is limitless. Apostle always asks what would you do with your life if money was no option and I can go on for hours about how happy I would be just doing so many things. And I would love to be able to tap in (financially) to all those outlets but chances are that I wont anytime soon. And wasted talent is a horrible thing. There are so many people in this school and if you submit to the theory that everyone has something that they are good at then everyone here is basically hiding their talents. I cant tell you one person who is actually good at something substantial. And from what I read on bathroom stalls everyone just has their minds in the wrong places. And that brings me to wondering about how well all turn out. How the most dingy cheerleader type girl is probably as likely as any of us to end up in the White House or some crazy stuff like that…. Anyway im add.  The point was I love doing everything I do when no one is watching. I like to be alone and just let the peace flow. And when I do whats in my heart to do even if it is for a little while its almost spiritual. And in a spiritual aspect some part of me grows. That has a lot to do with why I feel so different now a days. I thank God for bringing things into and out of my life to enrich me to this point even though it is far from where im eventually going to end up….

Its enlightening. I painted yesterday if you are interested in where my whole epiphany came from. Powerful stuff. It was only like 5 minutes cause I had to go to work.

           dont think im talking about anyone in particular. this is just a broad topic that everyone recently seems to be falling under.

           Girls are funny. I spent a good period of time resenting men but I never took the time to realize the flaws in females.

We are conceited. For the most part. Somewhere along the way we flirted the right way or did something without thinking that got a guy to tell us it was cute. Then we decided to act that way forever to get guys to notice us. That’s fine. Confidence is fine. But confidence and conceit are just seconds away from each other most of the time.

            The problem starts when a girl gets a guy that she believes that she is superior to. He may be less intelligent he may not be so good looking. He may feel like the happiest guy in the world because chances are that somewhere inside he is insecure and cant believe he got this girl that is so great. So she milks it. she takes complete advantage of him and in private agrees with him and feeds him constant compliments. But in the company of her friends of course shell talk junk about him. Hes so sprung… he got me this and that… he knows that I deserve better than him and on and on. because of all he responds so well to her she gets more bigheaded and moves on to someone else or cheats on him tossing his love completely aside and moving on to someone in her “class”. sound about right?!

            Well this is where my realization kicked in. females are so conceited about their intellect and appearance (because a girl with a personality would know better) that they believe that they are above karma. For some reason they think they can enter a relationship with someone (that knows they’re cheating or still have feelings for someone else) and that that person will be faithful to them. That’s how naïve we are… and because they compare the new relationship with the old one they are shocked with the new guy receives equal to more attention than they do and are even more surprised when they find out their new man is cheating on them left and right.

            Or if he cheated with a different girl to be with you.of course youll think well that’s because she looked bad or she was dumb or whatever the case may be. chances are he cheated to get new pussy. To see a different face while he was having sex. You aren’t that great. Youre vagina is the same as everyone elses in the world. Believe me he is still cheating.

            And when you have been warned that all so and so wants is sex. Don’t think you can change him. If you have to change someone they are already not worth your time. Plus only people can change themselves. If he wanted to change he would’ve done so on his own.

            Oh and this kills me when you are “friends with benefits” with a guy and you both date other people and on and on, don’t expect that to subside into a committed relationship. If you had sex with a man before you decided if it was a relationship or not… then you know the ‘you-cant-turn-a-ho-into-a-housewife’ thing comes into play (that was the nicest term I could find for it)

I swear high school is so stupid. There’s not even a word for it.!

            Even though all logic will point it out they will deny that he had the audacity to cheat on them. Those girls are just his friends…. He said he stopped talking to her….

 The two cant trust each other and will eventually grow to hate each other just because they are so alike.

All that girl realization still sounded like man-bashing so ill go back and defend the first guy. Lets assume he is an all around good guy. Still normal guy tendencies: temper and off the wall comments but overall trustworthy, sensitive and compassionate. Hes gonna be so in love with her. And that relationship that might’ve meant nothing to her will be a changing point in his life. IF he finds out about the cheating or the sudden relationship right after she dumped him he will be devastated and become even more insecure and have trouble trusting whoever comes into his life that is good for him. If he DOESN’T find out then he will just wait like a puppy for her to come back home but by then she will already be dissatisfied with him. But she will definitely think about coming back to him just to get her ego built back up because after all she did just get played.

            But being this sensible guy he will nevertheless find someone who deserves him even though that may or may not be the first person he’s interested in.

            But I don’t know about cheating for the better. If you are in a crappy relationship and you cheat with some awesome guy who just takes your breath away and its so worth it than that’s completely fine. But I wouldn’t trust him from that point on and im sure he wouldn’t trust me because our relationship started off on the wrong foot. Which I guess is what I said earlier but whatever.

            I guess everything I said could be reversed to seem sexist to the other gender. But that isn’t my intention. My original point was, what good is cheating. If you are conscious enough to make that type of decision you should be conscious enough to tell the person you love what you are doing… but whatever. People will do what they do regardless of what little old I have to say about it. And they will either take things as mistakes or blessings in the long run.

Did anyone actually read this much?

Then you know you gotta comment cause you were obviously interested.

            I don’t understand people who lie. Ive thought about it many times recently but I just cant think of a good reason to lie. Well I understand lying as a defense mechanism but come on. If you’ve done something wrong you should be man or woman enough to own up to it. if it was worth doing it should be worth being honest about. And even in life or death situations if you feel strongly enough about something you wouldn’t lie. But what ive gained the most realization about is that some people lie for the pure sake of lying. Especially people in high school. People that lie just to make the story sound better which causes drama.

            Lying is never the answer to anything. Trust me it still all comes out. Even liars need someone to tell the truth to. And chances are that person really isnt that trustworthy because people alike tend to flock together. Does that make sense? There are things ive heard that I would’ve never expected from people I would’ve never expected to have done them all because they told their business. Half of me thinks that people who lie subconsciously want people to know. As a means to get popular. It doesn’t really matter if you are loved or hated as long as you are recognized. Hitler was pretty popular by being manipulative. Has anybody ever read the prince???? Basically instructs you how to gain authority in a Machiavellian way: by manipulating your audience/followers. But I would think I would like people to respect me because im real rather than pretending all the time.

            Males and females tend to use lying as a way to manipulate the opposite sex. You know reel them in for whatever they want. But I found that people will even use it within their gender to gain friendship or admiration. You know they believe they always have to please everyone. But the majority of us have matured into the understanding that that is impossible because it is absolutely natural to repel some people and attract the ones that better suit your personality. But the thing is that people who lie in order to “gain” other friendships usually become the lie they pretend to be. They will continue to go on jumping from acting one way to another that they will never get to know who they TRULY are. Does that make sense?

             Say um..anna makes friends with susan and michelle. Shes all gothic with susan and shes a cowboy with michelle. Little does anna know that michelle and susan are friends and when she is invited to their party (which she cant say no to because she wants to please them both) she cant get along with both of them at the same time. Because theres just no such thing as a goth cowboy… <= ok if that didn’t clear anything up then I don’t know what will.

            And in all honesty I can stand people who change shape! I don’t think anybody really enjoys that. But all you can really do is pity the person who lies and pray that they will come into terms with who they are and mature in themselves until they are confident enough to be who they are regardless of who hates them for it.

            And I think most of that stuff is the reason why I almost prefer to be alone. Girls especially! Plus when it comes out, the person who told the lie looks that much more like an idiot than the ridiculous lie in the first place. Its funny but you can only laugh about it so long.

Behold the child of God is born.

(Hey I was listening to Mariah carey this morning. Gotta love her.)

Any way my point is that my mom went out of time in the middle of the night last night so… Im home alone til Sunday. No im not having any wild parties. A) I hate everyone B)I gotta go to work. No time to be deviant.  I AM goin to malcolms house all Saturday though. Cause im gonna go sleep with him in his bed in the morning and then wake up at a reasonable time. I love waking up with him next to me. Its gotta be better than sex could ever be. But I got a while til I figure that out. I love you baby!!! Oh if you didn’t know Malcolm is on here now. As of today: Truth_of_da_matter. Just so yall know. Go talk to him. I bet hes lonely. I should be getting a computer soon so I can do all of this at home. But who knows when thatll be.